Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.