[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind