Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.