I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
You Might Also Like
😜
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.