I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
found this cool rock hiking today