*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1