Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Everyone’s family
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.