Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Breaking news:
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before