*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.