found this cool rock hiking today
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
apparently this year was written by stephen king
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Science memes
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.