I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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