The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
😏😏😏
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
#MeanwhileInCanada
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.