Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.