SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
You Might Also Like
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
This was the best day of my life
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Once again not all heroes wear capes