[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.