I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up