During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline