One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
me when i see my girls butt
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.