Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here