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COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
that lip filler tho
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call