If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.