If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My daughter: Can I go to my friend鈥檚 house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you鈥檙e okMe when I was 10: I鈥檓 off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner鈥檚 at 5
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 馃グ
@Lottie_Poppie I鈥檓 at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I鈥檓 alive
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 饾槍饾槤饾槍饾槞饾槧饾槢饾槒饾槓饾槙饾槑 all up
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here鈥檚 the thing uh now鈥檚 not a good time
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They鈥檒l think they have a poltergeist and move
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.