Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.