Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower