*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
you stereotypes are all alike
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
pat pat
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.