[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.