Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em