85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us