me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more