i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You Might Also Like
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time