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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I love twitter
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx