I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Breaking news:
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time