I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room