Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”