*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
So glad we cleared that up
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Florida man
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters