*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
when mom throws a party…
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
at ease…shoulder.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”