Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.