[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.