Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.