An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
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no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Just why bro?!
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?