Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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Me: Same.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”