*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
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Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”