Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
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When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Who called it baking and not making love
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk