My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!