[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Lmfao
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Worst bar ever.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.