*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
crying
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.