bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?