*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.