gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Coffee for people with no kids
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs