I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
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Holy crap this is wonderful
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.